Another year…and still stuck

So today is September 14, 2016 and its been a little over a year since my last post and a week past my Birthday..which to be honest …totally sucked. I am trying to pull myself out of a deep funk. I started seeing a therapist and as typical of my luck,  she has become unavailable due to an illness in her family. So here I am with so much angst, sadness and depression and no one to pay to talk to. Sigh…So what do I do…. I turn to my blog.

I am still not employed…I have attended workshops but to be honest they don’t address the very real problem of feeling unhirable. Actually I think I failed on a phone interview because I was too prepared.  I can’t seem to find the magic words or bullets that will point me towards a new successful career. I keep thinking a miracle will happen,. But…what if I’m all out of miracles…what if this is the end of the road for me…and then,  I panic…what am I going to do…I’m running out of resources…and friends ….and family…all of which are in very short supply.

I am in a very dark place and don’t know how to find the light. I have my animals and frankly they are what is keeping me together. My dog requires walks and food…The cats require clean litter boxes and food. If i were not to awake tomorrow…would anyone know….my phone rarely rings and when it does…its either Dell telling me my replacement computer is still NOT on its way or its a charity looking for donations.

My house is in disrepair…no money to fix the massive issues…no energy to fix the little issues…Inside it looks like a Hoarder lives here….how …why…am i in this pickle…

When I was a little baby…my mom said i was so beautiful and sweet she prayed for god to be good to me and watch over me….well…in a way he/she has…but still…I am in this pickle….

So….now that I have vented and shared, what do I do….How do I move forward. Yes, I know, one step at a time…but how….I lost my mom too many years ago…I never got to get any words of her wisdom or advice…I’ve been on my own mom wise for most of my adult years….maybe that’s why im stuck.

Guess it’s time to pick myself up…put on the big girl panties and figure it out….it’s not going to be pretty….but it will be real and it will be me!

Step one…read:                                     The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Actually that s step 2…Step one…get new glasses…..sigh

 

Work in Progress – Still

Recently, I had been asked by a friend to contribute to a site she is creating.  We decided to call my contribution a WIP : Work in progress.

Why…because aren’t we all a WIP.  Next week I turn 58 and having been downsized I am faced with reinventing myself…still a WIP.

Reinventing oneself is hard to do at any age. I have already done it when I moved to Georgia in my 40’s,  only knowing 1 person and without prospect of a job. I’ve been here 15 years and have had 2 different careers so far.  So….not impossible. Just gets a little more difficult as we get older.

I have learned over the years what I do not want to do…but have yet to figure out what I do want to do and how to get there. I do like working with people and finding solutions to their needs. I do like to help people and do things that make a difference in someone’s life. I do like managing projects from start to finish and managing accounts. And most of my jobs included many of this.  Some of my jobs were taken out of necessity…the mortgage company does like to be paid.  Some were taken out of curiosity and some were taken thinking the grass was greener on the other side.

In the meantime until I figure it all out. I have been keeping myself busy, I started to draw and paint and am taking an art course which is soon to end. So I put it out there in the universe that I want to create a meetup like situation to continue the process of art.  It won’t get me back to work.  It won’t make me rich (I am not a prodigy…I am not that good..yet ) but it is keeping me busy. It gets me out of the house and I get to meet some really nice people.

I really like painting and I really like watercolors…which of all the paint mediums to me, is the most challenging.  Colors run into each other and bleed…Watercolor paint moves in all directions, sort of like life and all the bits of us running into each other…bleeding, blending and clashing.

The challenge of life,  like painting is figuring out how to make it all work and create a fine piece of work. Below is a new WIP. I am really proud of this one.

Job hunting, a messy house and 4 animals…there is hope

Back in August of 2014 I was downsized.  I had left a job I worked at for almost 9 years to work for a company I was told was fabulous to work for and that it was going places.  Yes it went places…but not in the direction I had hoped.  So now I have been forced back into the job market at the age of 57. I could say that would be a good thing because maybe now I can find the job of my dreams and finally do what I have always wanted to do…But that wouldn’t be true…I havent a clue what I want to do.

Looking for work at this age has been daunting,  to say the least. So many web sites …so many ways to get yourself noticed. I could say that my  job hunting has been effective and successful.   But that wouldn’t be true,  While I have had a few interviews,  I am apparently too qualified, too unqualified or just not what they are looking for.  All this after completing several rounds of interviews and assessment tests.  I know what is true,,,I am 57.

I could say I am job hunting all day so I can’t possibly take the time to clean or do laundry or clean litter boxes etc.  but then that wouldn’t be true either.  I’d like to say that I had hoped that during this time off I would have taken this opportunity to clean and organize my house…especially my kitchen and back rooms. That I would finally clear up the small bedroom and make it into my office again and that my office was turned back into the guest room it used to be…I would love to say that was the case….but 5 months later..I have barely managed to clean out my office and clean the kitchen. I do manage to get the garbage out on Thursdays and manage to clean the litter boxes most of the time,  I even manage to shower …what..the animals don’t care.  I hear my mom in my head saying..take a shower get dressed and go find a job.

Mom always said..wait till you have your own house…you will learn to keep it because its yours.  Wish I could say that was true.  Sorry mom..once a messy girl …always a messy girl.  I could blame a dog and 3 cats..but that wouldn’t be fair to the animals because they can only mess up where they can go…I am to blame…completely and utterly to blame.

What I have learned these past few months is that losing your job is very isolating at this age.  Most of my friends work or live to far away stop by for a cup of coffee and some encouragement. TV during the day sucks…Since I am job hunting I wont indulge streaming while looking for a job. I have learned that the wind in my sail is depends on the weather outside.  If the sun is out I seem to be more energized than when it is dreary…much like today.

I’d like to say that I took this time to work on recipes and started to put together a cookbook. I would like to say that I found a business partner and am finally able to start that business I still dream of starting,  But that wouldnt be true. All are still dreams and wishes and someday will happen.

317      482      sugar cookies

I have however, started this blog, worked on a website, looked for new courses to amp up my resume, bought a new computer and telephone, so that I can find temporary work , working remotely.  All this time has not been wasted. Duncan Dog ( my rescue from Nov 2013)  and I have gotten to know each other better .  He has learned how to get along better with me and the cats..while still a work in progress I have hopes….paw steps…

IMG-20130520-00982IMG-20130318-00702duncan cookie face

What is true..what i do know…is that I have hope.  I wake up every morning eternally hopeful that this will be the day! The day for cleaning, for a job and for whatever else I want, I just have to start the day hopeful.