Another year…and still stuck

So today is September 14, 2016 and its been a little over a year since my last post and a week past my Birthday..which to be honest …totally sucked. I am trying to pull myself out of a deep funk. I started seeing a therapist and as typical of my luck,  she has become unavailable due to an illness in her family. So here I am with so much angst, sadness and depression and no one to pay to talk to. Sigh…So what do I do…. I turn to my blog.

I am still not employed…I have attended workshops but to be honest they don’t address the very real problem of feeling unhirable. Actually I think I failed on a phone interview because I was too prepared.  I can’t seem to find the magic words or bullets that will point me towards a new successful career. I keep thinking a miracle will happen,. But…what if I’m all out of miracles…what if this is the end of the road for me…and then,  I panic…what am I going to do…I’m running out of resources…and friends ….and family…all of which are in very short supply.

I am in a very dark place and don’t know how to find the light. I have my animals and frankly they are what is keeping me together. My dog requires walks and food…The cats require clean litter boxes and food. If i were not to awake tomorrow…would anyone know….my phone rarely rings and when it does…its either Dell telling me my replacement computer is still NOT on its way or its a charity looking for donations.

My house is in disrepair…no money to fix the massive issues…no energy to fix the little issues…Inside it looks like a Hoarder lives here….how …why…am i in this pickle…

When I was a little baby…my mom said i was so beautiful and sweet she prayed for god to be good to me and watch over me….well…in a way he/she has…but still…I am in this pickle….

So….now that I have vented and shared, what do I do….How do I move forward. Yes, I know, one step at a time…but how….I lost my mom too many years ago…I never got to get any words of her wisdom or advice…I’ve been on my own mom wise for most of my adult years….maybe that’s why im stuck.

Guess it’s time to pick myself up…put on the big girl panties and figure it out….it’s not going to be pretty….but it will be real and it will be me!

Step one…read:                                     The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Actually that s step 2…Step one…get new glasses…..sigh

 

Have you had any Amyburgers today?

A long time ago when I went to camp,  my father would send me letters asking if I had any Amyburgers…That is what he called me.  I have lots of letters from back then,  addressed to me at camp Amyburger Halpern.  For some reason I saved those letters.  We had a loving relationship back then.  It was a lovely simpler time.

dad and me                                       madmen summer camp

He owned a Pharmacy with his business partner Charlie.  I have sweet memories of making bows in the back of the store for the Christmas holiday gifts.  When I was old enough, I walked from school to the store and played in his office, did my homework or helped Esther,  the secretary,  file.  As a High Schooler I worked in the store legitimately…in the office or out front.  I loved working in the gift and cosmetic departments.  I mean,  who wouldn’t.

As a child I would dance on his feet and he would sweep me across the dance floor at a Bar Mitzvah or family wedding.  We didn’t dance much later on.  But once in a while we had an opportunity .  I saw this picture today while looking through some others and wanted to share. Maybe 15 yrs ago…He was still Dad…Sort of…

dad and me dancing

Why am I reminiscing today? Today Dad would have been 89 years old.  He passed last June 2014 at the age of 88.  A man with Alzheimer’s, and yet he still remembered who I was.  I would call him every week, 2 or so more times and each time when I’d call, I would say… Hi dad…and he would still answer … Hey Aim..how are you?  Hearing those few words comforted me…forget that five minutes into a conversation he would either forget who he was talking to or get fixated on something in his room and the conversation came to a screeching halt.  But I did have those first 5 minutes and they were glorious.  I always had a story ready to tell him to get him engaged…get him laughing…get him feeling happy.  That was my job.

Over the years I baked for Dad’s birthday. He didn’t need another robe or tie or book…But I knew he enjoyed my baking…So I would get busy in the kitchen a few days before his birthday and start baking.  One year I made his mother’s recipe for Mandelbreit..another year it was my Great Aunts recipe for rugelach…and then sometimes if it was a cold winter , I would make him Rainbow cookies…all were his favorite and all were easily shipped. I knew that he would enjoy them and that they would help remind him of happier times.  The smell, the taste all were sweet reminders for him.  He may not remember who sent it or who used to make it but he did remember the cookies. That is all that I cared about.  I knew he enjoyed them. That was all that mattered.

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Today I woke up and realized that this would be his first birthday without a phone call. .It would be the first birthday he didn’t get a card. The first birthday I didn’t bake for him.  What consoles me is this will be his first birthday in 22 years he will get to celebrate with my Mom somewhere in time…Happy Birthday…. Dad..I love you and miss you. Say hi to Mom for me.


mom and dad wedding